Small Town= Musical Bermuda Triangle

 My town is notorious for creating a unique country sound known 'creatively' as the Bakersfield Sound. Country artists refer to my home town lovingly from Merle Haggard's song Streets of Bakersfield to Jerrod Niemann's song Bakersfield. The thing is they sing about it but they NEVER come here. I like more than country music though so I get fucked over even more! The other genres say okay Bakersfield go to Hell        country music can have you, because you suck. We learned that by watching that shitty cop show Bakersfield 5.0. But country artists hardly ever come, so people here wait for Free-for-Alls  to sit through seven shitty bands to see the one they were there for. Artists who do come through here talk about how amazing it is and then they don't come back so either their labels don't want then to come here or they don't. So we lose everything music related, because of our fucked up little town. TO ALL THE MUSIC LABELS WHO DON'T WANT THEIR BANDS HERE IN MY HOME TOWN YOU CAN EITHER TAKE YOUR MILLIONS SHOVE THEM WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE AND GO FUCK YOURSELF CONTINUOUSLY AND PROFUSELY UNTIL YOU AGREE THAT THEY CAN PLAY HERE!.

Rain

I want it to rain. I want it to rain so I can smile again. Rain brings me a sort of mental clarity I wish I had all the time. In the rain I can say anything and not be afraid if I cry because no one can tell. I can tell that guy I have liked since I met him that I like him. In the rain I can pretend that I'm a ten when I know so far down in my soul that it hurts that I'm a two. I would be a three, but I have horrible self esteem. In the rain everything I want to be is everything I am, and no one can tell me I'm wrong. I'm one of those people who at the first sign of rain runs outside and waits. It's my armor. Rain makes me feel like I'm not just the girl they talk to to complain about their girlfriends, play video games with, and even text in the middle of the night to tell about their bad dreams. I'm their sister, the one that they keep around to make themselves feel better, and rain erases all that! So again I say I want it to rain.

My Newest Ramblings

I often find myself saying, " When I get rich I'll do that,". I'm sure you're now wondering why that is such a big deal, am I wrong? Well, the truth is, it isn't really a big deal. I only bring it up because people with a lot of money generally get a way with more than those of us without. Take Lindsey Lohan, how many MAJOR crimes has she commited and not been properly punished for. I don't mean to pick on Lohan, because she honestly isn't the only one. Many wealthy or famous people get away with quite a bit more. Now, I'm not talking about myself commiting crimes major or minor, I'm just talking about things that would have me considered insane. I know many wealthy people are not the picture of mental stabillity, but still they aren't called insane by any one but those who truely see things as they are. There lies my reasons for waiting until I have money to do the things I want so badly to do. Rich people are never crazy they are merely eccentric

Slap Him Through The Phone

People on a whole are idiots. I think the world would be a hell of a lot better if we just accepted that. But there are some people that are so far beyond the plain of stupidity you wish there was a twenty-two year late term abortion window(Chris Titus: Neverlution). Take for example my dear friend 'T'. He dated my friend 'M' twice. Well you know fool me once right. Okay that's fine. A year has passed since they broke up and I haven't had to scrape either of them out of the toilet since.  Now M is litterally days away from giving birth to a baby boy (It isn't T's). The father bailed second trimester. Which is understandable, it isn't right but it's understandable. A 17 year old guy doesn't want to be tied to a 14 year old girl and a baby all his life. So now T is trying to make up for it. He texts me "what if if M and I start dating again?".  So I replied " OMG REALLY IT ENDS BADLY EVERYTIME AND THEN BOTH OF YOU GET UPSET. SHE GETS DEPRESSED YOU WONDER WHY YOU STEPED INTO HER DRAMA! THE ONLY DIFFERENCE THIS TIME IS YOU KNOW THE DRAMA YOUR STEPPING INTO. I CANT TELL IF ITS STUPIDITY INSANITY OR BLIND FAITH! EINSTIEN WOULD CALL IT INSANITY!"(that was my exact message I copied it of my phone). I was a little harsh but I needed to snap scense into him! I repeatedly told him, he is to good for her. My friend 'K' agreed with me so I'm not a total prick, or atleast the not only one. He really didn't care what I said. His dumbass did it anyway. Dating an ex is like buying your shit back from Salvation Army. THERE IS A REASON YOU GOT RID OF IT!!  It wasn't even a little reason, first they cheated on each other, then she went fucking insane!! Now he is dating her again. SAY IT WITH ME PEOPLE " FUCKING DUMBASS". So the sooner we realize we are all stupid the sooner the people who are slightly less stupid can start helping the retards.

Last Words to a Family Member

Yesterday, I found out my uncle had passed. He was in his early twenties. He threw his life away via Heroin. So I have a message for him, He may not be able to read it but it could save a life or two.

Message to my Uncle Joesph.
You were the one in the family that was supposed to make something of your self. Now the only thing you have suceeded in making of yourself is a corpse. When a call to your family from the police is the last we hear of you there is a problem. Both your father and your brother were police officers, you knew better. Now your neice and nephew have to make something of ourselves so that we can make up for the years you robbed from yourself.  Brittany and I grew up with you. We loved you. Ian grew up wanting to be like you, well now I hope he doesn't. Even though you were joking at the time, I looked foward to you teaching me how to drive. Remember when were at a family reunion and Brittany fell down that hill with either you or Nick? I do. I remember trying hard in that Kareoke contest last year so I could impress you.  I remember the Zelda shirt you were wearing after we saw each other again for the first time in eight years. And I will probably remember what they put you in for your burial. Because you won't really be there to remember for your self. Thats how life is when all you make of yourself is a corpse.

Lets Recap =P

I HATE SUMMER SCHOOL! Okay so Im taking PE and they have us running 5 miles a day doing P90X and lifting weights all in a 3 hour time slot. It literally blows. As if that wasn't enough I get to help move my mother, grandparents and myself into my mother's boyfriends house. There are three good things about that, and as materialistic as they sound they make it better. 1) I get to decorate my room however I want. 2) They're getting me a dog. 3) I get a truck for my birthday. I TOLD YOU IT SOUNDED MATERIALISTIC! It also gets me out of my Dad's house, where I am being eaten alive by fleas. I love my Dad but the fleas are out of hand. So I have all that shit to think about.

Stupid

Okay so I was house sitting/ pet sitting this weekend. I did something stupid. Not stupid like your thinking no sex, drugs, or liquor. I do love to disappoint you my dear readers so I won't get into it. My stupidity left my heart racing and my mind on fire. I found my self breathless ,and my friends will tell you I am never breathless. I wasn't however speechless. I actually found my speech clear and concise. I never wavered I kept my cool until the end, at which point I called my dear friend who proceeded to 'improve' my feeling on the situation. I love her, but she isn't helpful. She insisted upon comparing my stupidity to hers (they are nothing alike... TRUST ME.) I am better now just thought I would give you a taste and then keep the bowl for my self. :P

Today

 Today I lay in wait. I woke up at dark thirty this morning for no damn reason so I waited until eleven. At which point I watched the legend of Korra because I am just that nerdy. Now I'm posting on my blog waiting for a text or a call or hell anything really. today I also realized that I must send out some crazy ass pheromone because I woke up with every animal in this house I'm staying at on or around my bed. So that was today,  so far.

Lazy Gull

 Steven. Steven! STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEN. Steven. (What?) Steven.(what) Steven!! (WHAT!) Eagel. - Ragenineteen's Lazy Gull Talks To His Friend (Youtube it)

Fading

 Breathe....
Each shallow breath I draw lets the salt water flood my lungs. I keep thrashing in the water trying to stay above, but I'm failing.  I'm too strong proud to let go. If I give up I'll become shark food. Wolves don't belong in water! I keep reminding my self of that. I don't belong here. I struggle again. Weight encircles my ankles, pulling me further under. I can feel the salt sucking away my life.
 Breathe....
The seaweed pulls my broken and forgotten dreams from my still struggling body. Why do the oceans shadows overpower mine?  The last few moments I was free from the bitter, icy grip were like syrup. No one thought that this could happen to us..... too me. They thought I was strong  going places. Now the only place I'm going is down.
 Breathe....
Writhing in pain. I can't see anything through my storm cloud eyes. Hypothermia starts setting in, soon I'll be gone. My pack abandoned all hope me. It was fine when I spoke of my dreams, but when I tried to achieve them, I started drowning. They left the beach. Their dreams continued on even as mine died before their eyes. I thought I was important to them. I thought they needed me......I thought.
 Cease to breathe....

Silence is a sin

  Silence is not a sin by its self, but it contrubutes to a sin. Thou shalt not murder, It's on of the Ten commandments. This is not a religous blog, nor do I wish it to be. I have mulled over the concept of the silence and I realized it really is a sin. In keeping silence you are both murdering and baring false witness. Both are commandments. Granted the fact that you aren't ACTUALLY killing some one, you are killing your self. If you don't admit to yourself how you feel it will eat you. If you are asked a direct question and you can't seem to find the truth spilling of your lips, it will eat you. Death probably stalks us liars and those of us that bottle our feelings. I've often found my self doing both. So I guess todays question is, Am I going to Hell for silence?

S.O.S

   I can't do it any more. It was easy to put on a brave face when I thought there was a fighting chance, but that chance is gone. It faded with my last shred of hope. We have to be out by the fifteenth of next month. That just means we have to move into house with my grandparents. A house that could never be home. If I can't be alone in a house it cant be home. I need to feel comfortable to feel at home, and that just can't happen with a man who can't remember my name and a woman that pushes for details I don't have. I just want to know that I can come home to an empty house and have time to unwind without someone up my ass about everything. I don't want to lose this place that is just becoming a home to me. This apartment is sentimental. I didn't hurt this bad when we had to move away from the life I had when I was twelve. I lost my friends my home, my dad, myself, but this hurts so damn bad. I just breaking down.

The Way of Quil

 So I'm reading this book by Lisa McMann (one of my two favorite authors). The book is called The Unwanteds. In this book the city they live in,  Quil, separates its people in to three groups: Wanted, Necessary, and Unwanted. The Wanteds are given more schooling and are shipped of to join the Quilitary. The Necessaries are sent to work on the farms. The Unwanteds are killed. Only heres the catch, The Unwanteds aren't really killed, this nice man takes them under his wing and sends them to a conceiled school called Artim'e where they learn that they can do magic. Yada yada yada,  If you get a chance to read it do. I wrote about it because I feel like  we are seperated like this. The ones every one 'wants'  are the popular ones that get everything they want in life looking down upon the 'Unwanteds'. The ones we find 'necessary' are the ones that you say what's up to in the hall way, they never have much of a problem. Then there are the people like me 'Unwanted' you never look twice at us. We just create half the things you use on a daily basis. Everone looks at us like we are dead. Unlike in the book,  most of the Unwanteds in real life are unattractive, like myself.

Manic Depression Station

I hurt right now. No I didn't fall or cut myself. I'm struggling with the same hurt I always have. My heart hurts. I'm killing my soul slowly. I need to let him go, but I can't. He's klling me. I mean I expect him to move on but not as fast as he did. The day after he left me he asked out my two best friends. They said no of course, because they are my friends. He's a douche. He has a girlfriend now I honestly feel like shit.
My day is bad just because that's the schedual of the crazy Weregirl is Crazy as a Mother Fucker Train out of Manic Depression station. I really can't blame my ex for a chemical inbalance in my brain (no matter how much I'd like to). Ask my friends if I'm normally this depressed. There answer will be yes. So today I just need to chill. CHILL!

My Axiom

 Like my friend Violet I also had to write an axiom. Mine wasn't as accepted by our teacher as hers was. I used the assignment its self as inspiration. "Don't live by the words you read. Live by the words you write,". So my teacher says "Why read and write? What about the people that don't read and write?". He then told me to use other words meaning take in and deliver. So I changed it. He rejected that too. "That's not what I said," he told me. Then on my original he wrote the words 'consume' and 'produce' over read and write. Finally I thought to my self. Is Mr. Bassillious illiterate? If so how the hell did he become an English G.A.T.E teacher? I started freaking out I felt like crying, and as you know dear readers I DON'T LIKE TO CRY! I started hyperventilating. I'm extremely OCD. If I chose the words the serve a purpose. They are there because they make sense. I don't like using ugly words like 'consume' and 'produce' out side of were they belong, SCIENCE CLASS. The rest of my day fell apart under my feet because of that damn assignment. My words were pretty, clean, and ten times more original than 'consume' and 'produce'. IF YOUR ILLITERATE YOU WOULDN'T BE IN A G.A.T.E ENGLISH CLASS ANYWAY! NOT TO MENTION YOU CERTAINLY WOULDN'T KNOW HOW TO READ AN AXIOM.
ax·i·om

   /ˈæksiəm/ Show Spelled[ak-see-uhm] 

noun

1.

a self-evident truth that requires no proof.

2.

a universally accepted principle or rule.

3.

Logic, Mathematics . a proposition that is assumed without proof for the sake of studying the consequences that follow from it.

Barbra Streisand

 No not the person the game!! I invented a card game called Barbra Streisand only because she was in the spot light of my thoughts of the moment.

Objective
The object of the game is to get The King, Queen, and Jack of Hearts.

Instructions

• Separate the red cards the black cards and the Ace of Spades.  Into piles.
• Deal out two of each color to the other players. (omit the Ace of Spades)
• See who has the most Spades. (If you all have the same amount deal an additional Black card and count again.)
• Give the Ace of Spades to the player with the most Spades. ( the player with The Ace of Spades doesn't get a turn as long as they have it in their deck)
• Draw one card from the player to your Right.
• If you draw a red card, collect a red card from the center.
• If you draw a black card, draw a black card and return a red card.

How to Lose
 To lose you need to have a hand full of only black cards or only the Ace of Spades in your hand.

How to Win
 To win you must get the King, Queen, and Jack of Hearts, or be the only player left with a hand that contains any red cards.

No Vacancy

   Damn my mother and her natural compassion! To other people she is the worlds sweetest woman. To me she is a rude, crude, double standard holding, (for lack of a better word) bitch. She likes to take in strays. At the moment I am sleeping in her bed, if you can call laying there trying not to fall off sleeping. My mom's friend is sleeping on the couch, my Grandparents are in my bed, and my sister is on the futon. So sorry if you wanted to stay over, we are full! My bed is the moost comfortable bed in the house so you can see why I'm angry. I can't wake up with out worring that I am going to wake someone up. I can't play my xbox, or my music loud, because "They're inapropriate." or "My head hurts.". I just want to come home to peace and quiet. not some old fat couple sitting on my couch, or some pissy blonde on my case about everything. Things just need to go back to the way they were. AND MY SPELL CHECK ISN"T WORKING!!! :P

Adele, Silver Shoes, and a Burrito

  So as I'm sure most of you imaginary readers know it's lent. Well I assume you know, considering I made you up you should know. Screw it lets just say you do, and if you don't google it. My mother made me give up meat on Fridays. I HATE IT!! < (Just something to know for later). So we were in the car driving to Payless to buy me new shoes to match my dress for the military ball. I was saying something about "I don't need new shoes" and "I don't even know why I'm going, whatever". Finally, I decided I want a burrito. Then that was all I wanted, one of those delicious Beefy 5 layer burritos from Taco Bell. MMMMMMM. I couldn't have a burrito because its Friday. ALL I WANTED! Now for Adele. We were in the car and of course that's the CD there Adele's 21. Then my mothers friend starts flipping songs and sticks on "One and Only" we listened to that three times. My head was going to explode. I just wanted a burrito. My mom goes into the grocery store for food and I was stuck in the car. While my mom's friend was out smoking, I screamed out " That bitch won't let me have what I want. All I want is a mother fucking Burrito!!!". Now I'm at home *sigh* still no burrito.

Hang Me Out to Dry

   It's sad when the only thing you have to look forward to in your  own home is washing your face. My older sister and I never get along and we never have. I hate to say it, but the best thing that ever happened to me was her moving out. We would scream and get violent with each other daily. When she left it just felt right. Now she doesn't care. She comes over and pitches a fit over some new shit that honestly doesn't matter then she bitches about me. She complains about the two of us not spending time together so I cancel on my friends, then she calls me anti social. Then after attacking me, she leaves and doesn't talk to anyone for months. Upon her return she is loved and praised by the very family that causes me to feel like an outsider. She claims I never practice at the things I enjoy. What the hell, she's never around why does she think she has the right. My family praises her for being "cute, bubbly, sweet". I'm always being scolded for being "fat, loud, annoying". I just feel like a room mate in the house I'm told to call home. How can I call a house home if I don't feel like I belong. Do you think my writing is getting weaker?

Error Can Not Access at This Time.

 I have an issue. I am a bit of a perfectionist. The only issue with that is that it tends to cause me to suffer from clutter blindness. My motto is "If you don't have time to do it right, then don't do it at all". Since I rarely have time to do things right things are always a mess. I never notice the mess until I trip over it in the middle of the night. Eventually, I get bored and realize the only time I have is now so I clean. Anyway, My messy home life isn't what I wanted to talk about. Today I was doing a monologue for my drama class and after I went my friend (you know my friends  remain anonymous) told me that I missed a line. I physically started to shut down. I hate missing out on key parts in assignment. But that line really bugged and if it obvious it still bugs me. My brain quit functioning I could think of anything. Nothing was sticking in my brain, I felt dead. I don't like that feeling. Every time that happens I start to fear the inevitable. I begin to fear death. What is the afterlife? Is there an afterlife? Hit me up down below let me know what you think.

The Highest Mountain in The Lowest Valley

The day after Valentines day I lost him. He left, and I felt surprisingly fine. If I was meant to be with him I would be. Some days I'm fine and others I feel like well it's hard to explain. So is the life of a manic depressive. I had someone if only for a little while, and I was for that stint of time happy. To have that chance to be happy is really all one could ask for, what we do with the time we have is all on us. Even if we talked more I still think it would have ended the same way. I cried my final tears on Valentines day. I am strong, I am Beautiful, and my pain just gives me one more reason to be all that I can be. Tomorrow I'll probably be bashing myself because I will be in the deepest hole of my existence then I'll see the light at the end of a tunnel and be happy again. Don Marquis once said "Happiness is the interval between periods of unhappiness" and every manic depressive knows this is fact.  Each day I'm on a roller coaster so I can't tell if it's just my mood of the day or the genuine feelings I have towards a situation. But My writing is like my life, sparse and scattered but always hits back to the point eventually. Today I'm fine, yesterday was hell. Where does tomorrow lead? I'll start taking bets. :)
 Comment Below. PRETTY PLEASE. If the physical appearance of the please doesn't appeal to you, do it because I said so. I look forward to hearing from you.

It's Complicated

We hear it all the time. This area isn't black or white it's gray, right? No. You either want to be with me or you don't, I can't take it's complicated. I'm just not strong enough to. Everyday I see that on my profile I will wonder "is this the day he is finally going to come to his senses and leave?". I have never been accused of a lapse in comunication before, if anything I talk too much. But today of all days I want to vomit. I think I'm nervous. I don't get nervous, I can't that would mean if he does leave I'll be hurt. My friend got so hurt when her girlfriend left her she did vomit. She cried and puked for hours, I can't do that. Losing him would hurt me so bad, but I'm not going to beg him to stay if he doesn't want to. How happy can we be if he's only in it because I forced him. He posted It's Complicated an hour ago and already his friends are treating me like the enemy, I don't want to be the enemy. I just want to be happy and for that I need him right now. Honestly, should have seen it coming right? I mean I have been a horrible person all my life so I don't deserve him.  Is that what the universe is trying to tell me. Is the universe saying "Hey Arika!! You are nothing but a little bitch, so I'm going to give you a super nice guy let you love him and then watch him dump your sorry ass,"? Now I'm just feeling sorry for myself, and I hate myself for it. This guy has changed my life and now he's making me hate it even more then I used to. I know there are always more guys out there, but there are none that are going to look at a fat, bitchy, stupid, whiny, ugly girl from California. I know what I am and who I'm going to be when I grow up. I'm going to be nothing, just like I am now. I sing, I act, I write, but it's not like I'm any good at any of them right? I mean if I could write more people if any would read this. If I could sing someone would have noticed. If I could act I would have gotten a part in the school play. I have to write here because, I'm reaching out and I can't cry in front of my friends (they would judge me). I can't even tell my mom because she will just make fun of me. Really, this just had to happen on Valentines day? Now I am in tears having myself a nice little pitty party. The sad thing is Facebook knew before I did. Now I just feel like crap and there is no one to hug me and tell me it's okay. So my valentines day consists of a bruise on my butt, a hole in my heart, and a sinus infection. Congradulations universe, you broke me!! You happy now?

Do It You Pansy Ass

 Don't just sit around saying "Ohh no one cares. I'm just going to kill myself," I mean seriously come on. I your telling people you're going to kill yourself you obviously aren't going to.  You are telling people so they'll tell you not to and give you reasons why you need to live. Your basically just doing it so it will feel like people care. Honestly, if you really think that you can't get out of what ever trouble you're in you are dead wrong. There is always away out of your mistakes. No I am not just making this stuff up, studies have shown that if you say your going to kill yourself you don't. It's normal to want to die, it isn't good but its normal. Now a kid will kill themselves at the drop of a hat. They hate me because I'm gay, dead. Oh I'm being bullied, dead. My crush called me ugly, dead. My best friend moved, dead. My parents are getting divorced, dead. This happens every day to people and they don't go around killing themselves. We are getting to torn up about these things now. Ask your parents if you're younger if they were this sensitive back then. If you're older, were you this sensitive about this crap. Yes teen suicide happens and it's a shame ,but honestly don't come bitching to me about how you want to end your life for some reason that I'm sure is very important to you but no one else really cares about. Why don't you try starting a conversation with "Hey can we talk? I have some stuff going on, and I think you would listen."  not "I'm going to kill myself because (insert stupid reason here)".  Now don't go thinking that I give a flying fart in space, because well I don't. So breathe and fucking reevaluate your life because bitch you don't got it that bad, I guarantee you this problem you have going on right now has an escape route (that isn't suicide) you just need to find it.  And if it is really that bad, call the local suicide hot line. To many kids nowadays die for stupid reasons.

The Fine Line Between the Good, the Evil, and the Murder of a Lonely Girl's Spirit

  I'm being uprooted again. People move all the time, right? I mean, I have a friend whose moved five times in the past year. I have only ever moved once, and that was out of the house I had lived in for twelve years. That house was everything to me. My sister had carved our names into the ceiling of our old bedroom, I grew up there, it was the only home I knew, the only LIFE I knew. I was twelve and my parents were getting divorced, I didn't know that meant we would end up moving too. So we left the house for a little apartment not so far from there so I could still go to the same school. Now, three years later we are facing eviction at the clutches of the vicious, under qualified antagonist. Here is the story. A few weeks ago her lackey gives us eviction papers, but here's the hitch, they weren't filed yet so there was no case number. Our antagonist had also WHITED OUT the part were our pet deposit was on our lease. Upon comparison with the original of the document we found many other things wrong with it. So my mother pulled out the receipts and various other documents we would need to handle this so that we could set the record straight. While we believed we had won the papers were being filed any way. So tonight my mother gets a call from a very guilty Lackey. His guilt had rendered him unable to sleep, therefore he had to inform us that if my mother didn't go down to the courthouse and take care of this immediately it was going to default into eviction. Not only are documents being voided and lines being crossed, but our antagonist is apparently losing her position. That could mean the end of it or the beginning of a whole new life for me.... again.

Pack Mentality

 Wolves are my favorite animal. At first I thought it was because they were hunters, fierce. Now I think I'm just envious. Wolves have a purpose and don't lie to them selves about how they feel. Every wolf has a purpose in its pack, and knows just where it fits in to place. Every wolf hunts and kills out of necessity. Never will one claim to be a vegetarian nor will one be courteous if you overstepped your boundaries. They are open about loving meat and don't care if you call them rude. We write it off because they're animals and we aren't. But, we are. Deep down we all want the same things; to survive, to be accepted, to have a family we can tolerate, to be in charge. Humans don't acknowledge ourselves for what we are, animals and the worst kind too. We don't care if people get hurt in what we do if it gets us ahead, but the wild life takes only what it needs from its fellows. Am I alone here in saying that we just might be the animals that we so desperately demote in our minds as primitive?

Stereotypical

  How can my life be so perfect and so shitty at the same time? I mean my friends are great, I have a boyfriend that I love, I have a great dad. Yet, My mom is evil, my sister is.... a completely different story, I'm stuck in class with my arch Nemesis, I'm drowning in my friends' issues, and my family never wants to got to anything I do. So I'm a whiny teen from California who feels well alone, what else is new right. Even that last sentence was cliche. At least I'm honest about my being unoriginal. People say I have everything going for me, but that's just what people say to you to keep you from sticking your head in the oven isn't it? I can get a solo or play the perfect fricking minuet on the bass, I can sing every note in a song I've never sung before and no one will see it. No, I've never been beaten by a boyfriend or my parents. Both my parents are alive, divorced, but I know where they are. Yeah I have a nook and a smart phone, I have my own room and an older sister. I don't cut and I get semi decent grades. I have things people would love to have, and I'm complaining that my life is shit. I get it If you are a kid whose dad ran and your moms dead or the other way around, you don't think I have a right to bitch. For you my life is easy, and that is because you've seen lower, darker places. I haven't. For me I am literally in Hell. This is Hell for me. So you look at that kid complaining about his parents getting divorced or being an only child, and you say "you can't  complain," and then you list a few things that  make your life worse. Guess what, you just made him feel awful and now he's going to go home and do something stupid because he can't even vent about the lowest place he has ever been in life. I don't get to vent or cry because people see me as strong and collected, I am far from. So this is my Hell and I want free from it. If you want free from your personal Hell, quit pushing me further into mine.

Family

  The not so elusive house guest monster is here. I hate it when some thing happens and you let someone crash on your couch then in the morning when they are supposed to leave, they don't. Do I really have a say in the matter? No, because if I kick out said house guest they will cry to my mom who will inevitably call me bitchy and rude then allow them full access to my home. If I was older my mother wouldn't have a say in the matter of who I let in my home, but I'm only 15, so no choice for me. But there really is only one monster worse The Family House guest. This is bad. My grandmother is sleeping on the couch and my grandfather is in my bed. Now my grandfather doesn't shower, when I thought they were leaving I washed my sheets, so they wouldn't smell like old hippy. Of course, now they aren't leaving and I have to remake my bed to make them feel more comfortable. I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN MY BED FOR 3 DAYS!! I don't care if they're comfortable or not I just want my bed back!! It isn't bad enough that they practically live over here and my mother is trying to get me to move with them? If they do move I'm moving to my dad's. I can't handle my grandmother micromanaging or my grandfather not showering let alone neither of them doing anything to help around the house. I mean if you're going to stay here at least help out right. Well they don't and when they say that they're leaving tomorrow they better mean it!

Music

  No matter how bad my life gets music helps. The right song can do anything! Im listening to Austin by Blake Shelton and it gives me hope for my life (I honestly don't know why). Now it's Kiss My Country Ass, again Blake Shelton. not even a CD just a happy coincedence that they are both the same guy. It doesn't matter what song it is I have a response to it. Usually a different response then most people do to the same song. William Congreve is noted for saying " Music has charms to sooth a savage beast, soften rocks,or bend a knotted oak". I find a brand new world of music in the world we have around us. Spare me the whole "everyone says that" crap because I don't care. Nit-pickers bug me therefore I bug me. Ha I just realized this.I JUST REALIZED I BUG MYSELF!! The things you learn right.

Judgy

  I  just found out my best friend is pregnant. Now the one that should be bitching about being judged is her, right? Well, it isn't  her mom is the one complaining about people judging her. I love my friend and am highly worried about her future. Her mother won't let her get an abortion or put it up for adoption. This girl is 14 has no goals, no prospects, no job, and SUCKS at school. Not just that, the father is an ass hole. So all this could put so much stress on my friend that she miscarries and that would really screw her up. Her mother then posts on Facebook that people need to quit judging. Now that wouldn't bug me so much if all the comments didn't say we'll be there for you. They aren't there for her daughter, but her. The mom is stupid enough to take in strays on a daily basis and let her daughter's OLDER boyfriend stay in her home. She is making her daughter keep a child she might not even want. I would suggest that she give custody to her older, engaged sister who can't have kids. But that would be a constant reminder of the pain.  Her mom just needs to step off, because everyone judges. Judging is in human nature, there is a profession dedicated to it for Christ's sake. Even her mom is judging her and she can't even see it. Her mom is going to keep judging her as long as that kid exists. Hell this girl is my best friend and I'm not ashamed to admit that I judged her a little too. She can't handle a kid and they got evicted from an apartment so neither can her mom. So since I'm never going to see her again here we go. Bitch quit fucking judging those who judge you because your no fucking better. Do whats right for the family and keep that ass hole away from her. SO BITCH STEP DOWN AND SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER WITH WHATEVER SHE WANTS TO DO! IT'S YOUR DAUGHTERS KID NOT YOURS LET HER MAKE HER OWN DAMN CHOICES, AND HELP HER WITH WHAT SHE CHOSES!!!!  DON'T FORCE HER TO DO ANYTHING. One more thing out of her mom's mouth and I will show her judging!

fml

So my mom came home pissy as hell and breaks a plate. I dont care how bad your day was! When you lash out at me you can blow it out your ass. I pretty much get this on a daily basis. But this time it's different my dads mad at me too. That is really weird, because he is NEVER mad at me. My best friend is pretty much telling me that she thinks I'm her bitch and can kiss her ass. Why things have gotten this bad, I will never know. I spend all my life making sure everyone else is happy. Now the one time I am happy I get turned on faster then a bleeding fish at a shark convention! So what the hell is there left for me to do then die a depressed life alone so every one else can be happy.