More Like Her

Instead of posting a long rant about my hearts turmoil I'm just going to give you the song.  That's how you know how bad it is. Here is the exact way I feel right now.

More like Her- Miranda Lambert  <<<<<<<<<< Click it!

A War of the Inner Goddess

I dislike her. I dislike her so damn much. All of my friends love her and worship the ground she walks on. And he treats her like her body is an alter to Aphrodite. I hate knowing how he feels about her. I hate breathing the same air as her. But I can't hate her. I can't hate her because she's sweet, sensitive, and because she has his heart. I am a creature born of hate and spite and fire and rage. I am a heinous bitch and I can't hate her. Do you know how much it fucking kills me to not be able to hate her!? The only light at the end of the tunnel is she can't write out a full thought. Every word she writes is short handed or butchered beyond recognition. She can't spell and that is the only reason I'm able to dislike her.  She may be the    close to Aphrodite, but I am the spawn of Athena and Aries. Her beauty was given to her at birth, but my anger and wisdom were forged in the heat of a great war for control of my heart. It may have been a war I lost long ago but the lessons stay and haunt me always. Never let your heart outweigh your brain, never let your guard down, and never EVER let your opponent get the best of you. So I hide my emotions and I plan in solace. I may not come out emotionally stable, I may not come out at all, but I will not lose this battle. And to those who still think the prize is a boy I assure you that isn't the case. The prize is my just another battle scar proving that I've done something with my fragile teenager life. I will not fight over any boy. I will not be that petty girl who gets boozed up and has a some one hold my earrings while I beat this bitch's ass and then take her to a mud pit and proceed to beat a hoe. I will however fight FOR a man. If he is worth it I will fight for him, to keep him, to hold him, even if the fight is with him. That is the person I am.  The person I desire is just a battlefield though. His girlfriend is just an opponent that I can't hate. The fight isn't won with anyone ending up with him. The fight is won when I decide the fight isn't worth it or that the surface battle is a lost cause. Like I said the true prize is the chance to have battled my adversary and the experience I've earned from it

Impractical Magic

There's almost a magical quality about loving someone who doesn't love you back. You can always see the best in them, no matter the worst they've done to you. Every word they say hangs in the air like when you bake something really yummy. But no matter how you much you love them, you know they won't love you back. Yet despite all of the bull shit they put you through you follow them like a lost puppy. They can do no wrong but their partner can do no good. They love their girlfriend/ boyfriend and since you love the object of your affection you pretend to enjoy the company of their special friend. You fake a smile when you see them together, you look away when they kiss which seems like all the time, you cry when you're alone. It's hard to be the chief justice of an unrequited love. You become the things you hate most. And you try to tell yourself it's better for everyone but honestly it's not.

Nicest Thing

It seems music has become my only writing inspiration as of late. The words that invoke my own this evening are from a Kate Nash song called if you can't guess already Nicest Thing. It brings me to tears, which as you all know my imaginary readers I don't cry. This song had me weeping. Not just crying or whining. These tears were deep and primal. They where the tears that contort your face and redden your eyes and cheeks. Your breaths come slow and short, rather more like gasps. By the end you are lying there drenched in your own ocean of emotion. Those are the tears this song forced me to shed. I found a certain solace in these tears though. They let me know just how much I still care about a boy who I thought I'd moved on from. I thought my heart had freed it's self and was ready for new exploits, I was wrong. My heart still screams his name, my brain still sees him when I dream. I wanted him to be my future at a point in my life but I suppose I need him as my now. The more I listen the more I miss him. Her lines make me think. I wish I was his favourite girl. I wish he thought I was the reason he was in the world. I wish He had a favourite beauty spot that he loved secretly because it was in a hidden bit that nobody else could see. I wish that with out me he couldn't eat. I wish that with out me he'd be spending the rest of his nights awake. But  I know that won't happen, because life is never that kind. All I know now is I miss him and the way he'd call my name even if he was upset with me. I miss his gorgeous lips on mine, even though he'd never accept his own beauty.  Well now I've realized the truth. Now I've given it away to the universe. Now I know the depth of my desperate love for a boy who probably never truly loved me at all. Now I drown in the salty sea of tears and self pity. I let the waves realization and  self doubt push me further into the dark waters of depression. I swallow and choke on the salty waters of denial and slowly slip into the end his name the last on my mind, and he'll never know. He will never know that's what I imagine, that's how I feel. Sometimes, I don't even know.

Build a Dream on

"Give me a kiss to build a dream on, and my imagination will feed my hungry heart"- Louis Armstrong.

 

 

Okay so I hope Benny didn't Cheapen the importance of this quote. I honestly love the song , for those of you who don't know which song that is it's A Kiss to Build a Dream on by Louis Armstrong. The imagery in this song is just so powerful for a lonely heart like me. I just came across this song on my John Barrowman station on Pandora, which I highly recommend making it's my new favorite station, it's full of amazing classic crooners like Frank Sinatra and Nat King Cole, but Michael Buble is peppered in there to so don't worry. But I digress.  That quote is so very me, I have yet to have that special kiss, but I know one day I will and my heart will hunger no more. Every female wants that dream building kiss, but what this song made me realize is men want it too. Now note my word choice, I said 'MEN' not 'Boys' .  Men are mature mentally, Men can take care of themselves as well as others no matter how hard they have to work, Men put others before themselves, Men are respectful, chivalrous, Tough when they need to be and gentle when that certain some one needs them to be, or even rough when that certain someone needs them to be ;). Boys are everything not. Age doesn't make the title, you could be a 12 year old man or a 112 year old boy. I also said 'females' because unfortunately everybody with an X,X chromosome wants the same thing a fairy tale romance with that special prince, or princess (I don't judge. Well at least not the LGBT Lifestyle).  But again I digress, a good man wants someone to take care of, love, make them smile. Men want that fairy tale love too, men want that even when we're old and grey and I have to remind you of my name every ten minutes I'll still hold your hand because I love you kind of love. So ladies you remember that, find a man not a boy, find them and give them that kiss to build a dream on.

But For Now Fuck Your Feelings

So as some of you may well know I recently entered into a relationship with my best friend. A mistake that shall NEVER be repeated. I hope by that last line you can imply that the relationship ended on a very recent and sour note. He never cheats on anyone he's dating lets get that straight right now... He does however text a quick and drunk break-up to you before he fucks his ex-girlfriend. So now you know that, what you didnt know is IM ON VACATION.... IN LAS VEGAS.  I'm here for two days and well now it feels ruined. I get there are plenty of other wolves in the forest, but he was my beta, my second. I knew I wasn't his type.. He likes his girls thin, redheaded and skanky, and Im well chunky brunette and a proud member of the virgin club. The thing is he said he was worried he was going to hurt me and I told him he couldn't.... Well guess how wrong I was.

Fiction and The Truth about Reality, the Bitch

I think I like fiction, because the couple you want to get together almost always gets together. Now I say almost because Hunger Games, Harry Potter disappointed me, but I digress. In fiction the guy and girl meet, share a moment, overcome a huge obstacle, then end up all happily ever after. Then after you get that warm fuzzy feeling, you close the book and get sucked into reality. We all know reality, that magical, charismatic, sentimental, all-knowing BITCH. You can't unload all your emotions for someone ,internally or otherwise, without crippling yourself!! It doesn't work that way. You can't just walk up to someone and say, "I think I may be eternally and totally, head over heels in love with you," and then make out in the rain.  Since in the wonderful reality there is such a thing as the "Friend Zone" or "whores" and if there are in fiction then they're killed or they reform, or the right person distracts the leading character. SO FUCK FICTION, I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH I LOVE IT BECAUSE IT KILLS ME INSIDE!!!! Anyone else?