It's Complicated

We hear it all the time. This area isn't black or white it's gray, right? No. You either want to be with me or you don't, I can't take it's complicated. I'm just not strong enough to. Everyday I see that on my profile I will wonder "is this the day he is finally going to come to his senses and leave?". I have never been accused of a lapse in comunication before, if anything I talk too much. But today of all days I want to vomit. I think I'm nervous. I don't get nervous, I can't that would mean if he does leave I'll be hurt. My friend got so hurt when her girlfriend left her she did vomit. She cried and puked for hours, I can't do that. Losing him would hurt me so bad, but I'm not going to beg him to stay if he doesn't want to. How happy can we be if he's only in it because I forced him. He posted It's Complicated an hour ago and already his friends are treating me like the enemy, I don't want to be the enemy. I just want to be happy and for that I need him right now. Honestly, should have seen it coming right? I mean I have been a horrible person all my life so I don't deserve him.  Is that what the universe is trying to tell me. Is the universe saying "Hey Arika!! You are nothing but a little bitch, so I'm going to give you a super nice guy let you love him and then watch him dump your sorry ass,"? Now I'm just feeling sorry for myself, and I hate myself for it. This guy has changed my life and now he's making me hate it even more then I used to. I know there are always more guys out there, but there are none that are going to look at a fat, bitchy, stupid, whiny, ugly girl from California. I know what I am and who I'm going to be when I grow up. I'm going to be nothing, just like I am now. I sing, I act, I write, but it's not like I'm any good at any of them right? I mean if I could write more people if any would read this. If I could sing someone would have noticed. If I could act I would have gotten a part in the school play. I have to write here because, I'm reaching out and I can't cry in front of my friends (they would judge me). I can't even tell my mom because she will just make fun of me. Really, this just had to happen on Valentines day? Now I am in tears having myself a nice little pitty party. The sad thing is Facebook knew before I did. Now I just feel like crap and there is no one to hug me and tell me it's okay. So my valentines day consists of a bruise on my butt, a hole in my heart, and a sinus infection. Congradulations universe, you broke me!! You happy now?