More Like Her

Instead of posting a long rant about my hearts turmoil I'm just going to give you the song.  That's how you know how bad it is. Here is the exact way I feel right now.

More like Her- Miranda Lambert  <<<<<<<<<< Click it!

A War of the Inner Goddess

I dislike her. I dislike her so damn much. All of my friends love her and worship the ground she walks on. And he treats her like her body is an alter to Aphrodite. I hate knowing how he feels about her. I hate breathing the same air as her. But I can't hate her. I can't hate her because she's sweet, sensitive, and because she has his heart. I am a creature born of hate and spite and fire and rage. I am a heinous bitch and I can't hate her. Do you know how much it fucking kills me to not be able to hate her!? The only light at the end of the tunnel is she can't write out a full thought. Every word she writes is short handed or butchered beyond recognition. She can't spell and that is the only reason I'm able to dislike her.  She may be the    close to Aphrodite, but I am the spawn of Athena and Aries. Her beauty was given to her at birth, but my anger and wisdom were forged in the heat of a great war for control of my heart. It may have been a war I lost long ago but the lessons stay and haunt me always. Never let your heart outweigh your brain, never let your guard down, and never EVER let your opponent get the best of you. So I hide my emotions and I plan in solace. I may not come out emotionally stable, I may not come out at all, but I will not lose this battle. And to those who still think the prize is a boy I assure you that isn't the case. The prize is my just another battle scar proving that I've done something with my fragile teenager life. I will not fight over any boy. I will not be that petty girl who gets boozed up and has a some one hold my earrings while I beat this bitch's ass and then take her to a mud pit and proceed to beat a hoe. I will however fight FOR a man. If he is worth it I will fight for him, to keep him, to hold him, even if the fight is with him. That is the person I am.  The person I desire is just a battlefield though. His girlfriend is just an opponent that I can't hate. The fight isn't won with anyone ending up with him. The fight is won when I decide the fight isn't worth it or that the surface battle is a lost cause. Like I said the true prize is the chance to have battled my adversary and the experience I've earned from it

Impractical Magic

There's almost a magical quality about loving someone who doesn't love you back. You can always see the best in them, no matter the worst they've done to you. Every word they say hangs in the air like when you bake something really yummy. But no matter how you much you love them, you know they won't love you back. Yet despite all of the bull shit they put you through you follow them like a lost puppy. They can do no wrong but their partner can do no good. They love their girlfriend/ boyfriend and since you love the object of your affection you pretend to enjoy the company of their special friend. You fake a smile when you see them together, you look away when they kiss which seems like all the time, you cry when you're alone. It's hard to be the chief justice of an unrequited love. You become the things you hate most. And you try to tell yourself it's better for everyone but honestly it's not.

Nicest Thing

It seems music has become my only writing inspiration as of late. The words that invoke my own this evening are from a Kate Nash song called if you can't guess already Nicest Thing. It brings me to tears, which as you all know my imaginary readers I don't cry. This song had me weeping. Not just crying or whining. These tears were deep and primal. They where the tears that contort your face and redden your eyes and cheeks. Your breaths come slow and short, rather more like gasps. By the end you are lying there drenched in your own ocean of emotion. Those are the tears this song forced me to shed. I found a certain solace in these tears though. They let me know just how much I still care about a boy who I thought I'd moved on from. I thought my heart had freed it's self and was ready for new exploits, I was wrong. My heart still screams his name, my brain still sees him when I dream. I wanted him to be my future at a point in my life but I suppose I need him as my now. The more I listen the more I miss him. Her lines make me think. I wish I was his favourite girl. I wish he thought I was the reason he was in the world. I wish He had a favourite beauty spot that he loved secretly because it was in a hidden bit that nobody else could see. I wish that with out me he couldn't eat. I wish that with out me he'd be spending the rest of his nights awake. But  I know that won't happen, because life is never that kind. All I know now is I miss him and the way he'd call my name even if he was upset with me. I miss his gorgeous lips on mine, even though he'd never accept his own beauty.  Well now I've realized the truth. Now I've given it away to the universe. Now I know the depth of my desperate love for a boy who probably never truly loved me at all. Now I drown in the salty sea of tears and self pity. I let the waves realization and  self doubt push me further into the dark waters of depression. I swallow and choke on the salty waters of denial and slowly slip into the end his name the last on my mind, and he'll never know. He will never know that's what I imagine, that's how I feel. Sometimes, I don't even know.

Build a Dream on

"Give me a kiss to build a dream on, and my imagination will feed my hungry heart"- Louis Armstrong.

 

 

Okay so I hope Benny didn't Cheapen the importance of this quote. I honestly love the song , for those of you who don't know which song that is it's A Kiss to Build a Dream on by Louis Armstrong. The imagery in this song is just so powerful for a lonely heart like me. I just came across this song on my John Barrowman station on Pandora, which I highly recommend making it's my new favorite station, it's full of amazing classic crooners like Frank Sinatra and Nat King Cole, but Michael Buble is peppered in there to so don't worry. But I digress.  That quote is so very me, I have yet to have that special kiss, but I know one day I will and my heart will hunger no more. Every female wants that dream building kiss, but what this song made me realize is men want it too. Now note my word choice, I said 'MEN' not 'Boys' .  Men are mature mentally, Men can take care of themselves as well as others no matter how hard they have to work, Men put others before themselves, Men are respectful, chivalrous, Tough when they need to be and gentle when that certain some one needs them to be, or even rough when that certain someone needs them to be ;). Boys are everything not. Age doesn't make the title, you could be a 12 year old man or a 112 year old boy. I also said 'females' because unfortunately everybody with an X,X chromosome wants the same thing a fairy tale romance with that special prince, or princess (I don't judge. Well at least not the LGBT Lifestyle).  But again I digress, a good man wants someone to take care of, love, make them smile. Men want that fairy tale love too, men want that even when we're old and grey and I have to remind you of my name every ten minutes I'll still hold your hand because I love you kind of love. So ladies you remember that, find a man not a boy, find them and give them that kiss to build a dream on.

But For Now Fuck Your Feelings

So as some of you may well know I recently entered into a relationship with my best friend. A mistake that shall NEVER be repeated. I hope by that last line you can imply that the relationship ended on a very recent and sour note. He never cheats on anyone he's dating lets get that straight right now... He does however text a quick and drunk break-up to you before he fucks his ex-girlfriend. So now you know that, what you didnt know is IM ON VACATION.... IN LAS VEGAS.  I'm here for two days and well now it feels ruined. I get there are plenty of other wolves in the forest, but he was my beta, my second. I knew I wasn't his type.. He likes his girls thin, redheaded and skanky, and Im well chunky brunette and a proud member of the virgin club. The thing is he said he was worried he was going to hurt me and I told him he couldn't.... Well guess how wrong I was.

Fiction and The Truth about Reality, the Bitch

I think I like fiction, because the couple you want to get together almost always gets together. Now I say almost because Hunger Games, Harry Potter disappointed me, but I digress. In fiction the guy and girl meet, share a moment, overcome a huge obstacle, then end up all happily ever after. Then after you get that warm fuzzy feeling, you close the book and get sucked into reality. We all know reality, that magical, charismatic, sentimental, all-knowing BITCH. You can't unload all your emotions for someone ,internally or otherwise, without crippling yourself!! It doesn't work that way. You can't just walk up to someone and say, "I think I may be eternally and totally, head over heels in love with you," and then make out in the rain.  Since in the wonderful reality there is such a thing as the "Friend Zone" or "whores" and if there are in fiction then they're killed or they reform, or the right person distracts the leading character. SO FUCK FICTION, I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH I LOVE IT BECAUSE IT KILLS ME INSIDE!!!! Anyone else?

Pour Me Out

I'm doing something I don't take credit for doing very often. I'm obsessing and I'm crying, at the same time. I feel like explaining would be crediting me to the melodramatic, whiny, teen, girl stereotype. Either way here goes. I've been pining over this boy for a while now. He doesn't like me the way I like him and I understand that, but it still hurts like hell to see him with someone else. It hurts even worse that he's hiding it from me, because I hate the stupid bitch (and have since before I even knew the guy I like). The guy doesn't know that I like him, or at least I hope he doesn't somebody once told me that it was kind of obvious. Now I know he's with this girl and happy, I can't even say anything because he doesn't know that I know. This girl has a tendency to destroy peoples lives, the last to guys that dated her threatened to kill themselves. Now I, a lamb dressed as a wolf, am crying and listening to sad music being a stereotype.

Midnight Run

   I hate when I'm texted past nine o'clock. To be honest I really just hate the idea of texting in general, but I don't like being texted past nine. Now here's the story of it. Last night or more like this morning, I got a text message from a guy I like. It was almost midnight, but I smiled just because of the name on my contacts. Well the way he was texting was a little off so I asked if he had been drinking to which he reluctantly admitted he had been.Then I was asked a question. Now the question seemed a bit bizarre even for him so I didn't answer I changed subjects. A random string of text messages followed on his part. I dismissed my self from the conversation  because it felt forced. Later I got a text from his phone from a friend who knows I like this guy. Now I'm trying to figure out who was actually texting me. I had a performance I had to go to this morning. I knew if I didn't sleep I would never be performance ready, but trying to figure this out really just made me feel exhausted. I probably could have gotten a command performance (okay no I couldn't of but it's fun to dream, right?)if I had slept better. So now I'm just lost. In the words of Bradley Copper from the Hangover "Don't text me it's gay".

The Shocking Disapointment of a Twilightless Teen Female

 I like Twilight.
  The storyline is rediculous, the concept is clichè, the changes made to the vampire phenotype is genuinly unacceptable, but never the less I like the films (I don't like the books reading them was murder and Stephanie Myer should be shamed). In actuallity I rather like the movies because they suck, no pun intended. The people in the movie don't seem to fit, like when you try to jam the wrong piece into a puzzle. Robert Pattinson was glad the movies were over. Even though I have all these problems with the saga I proudly own everyone of them. You guys remeber that I moved right? Well, during this progress I shoved the first three movies along with the last book of a COMPLETELY different series in a box, and sent it to storage without marking it. Now I can't find them and I'm pretty upset about it, and I can't figure out why.

Small Town= Musical Bermuda Triangle

 My town is notorious for creating a unique country sound known 'creatively' as the Bakersfield Sound. Country artists refer to my home town lovingly from Merle Haggard's song Streets of Bakersfield to Jerrod Niemann's song Bakersfield. The thing is they sing about it but they NEVER come here. I like more than country music though so I get fucked over even more! The other genres say okay Bakersfield go to Hell        country music can have you, because you suck. We learned that by watching that shitty cop show Bakersfield 5.0. But country artists hardly ever come, so people here wait for Free-for-Alls  to sit through seven shitty bands to see the one they were there for. Artists who do come through here talk about how amazing it is and then they don't come back so either their labels don't want then to come here or they don't. So we lose everything music related, because of our fucked up little town. TO ALL THE MUSIC LABELS WHO DON'T WANT THEIR BANDS HERE IN MY HOME TOWN YOU CAN EITHER TAKE YOUR MILLIONS SHOVE THEM WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE AND GO FUCK YOURSELF CONTINUOUSLY AND PROFUSELY UNTIL YOU AGREE THAT THEY CAN PLAY HERE!.

Rain

I want it to rain. I want it to rain so I can smile again. Rain brings me a sort of mental clarity I wish I had all the time. In the rain I can say anything and not be afraid if I cry because no one can tell. I can tell that guy I have liked since I met him that I like him. In the rain I can pretend that I'm a ten when I know so far down in my soul that it hurts that I'm a two. I would be a three, but I have horrible self esteem. In the rain everything I want to be is everything I am, and no one can tell me I'm wrong. I'm one of those people who at the first sign of rain runs outside and waits. It's my armor. Rain makes me feel like I'm not just the girl they talk to to complain about their girlfriends, play video games with, and even text in the middle of the night to tell about their bad dreams. I'm their sister, the one that they keep around to make themselves feel better, and rain erases all that! So again I say I want it to rain.

My Newest Ramblings

I often find myself saying, " When I get rich I'll do that,". I'm sure you're now wondering why that is such a big deal, am I wrong? Well, the truth is, it isn't really a big deal. I only bring it up because people with a lot of money generally get a way with more than those of us without. Take Lindsey Lohan, how many MAJOR crimes has she commited and not been properly punished for. I don't mean to pick on Lohan, because she honestly isn't the only one. Many wealthy or famous people get away with quite a bit more. Now, I'm not talking about myself commiting crimes major or minor, I'm just talking about things that would have me considered insane. I know many wealthy people are not the picture of mental stabillity, but still they aren't called insane by any one but those who truely see things as they are. There lies my reasons for waiting until I have money to do the things I want so badly to do. Rich people are never crazy they are merely eccentric

Slap Him Through The Phone

People on a whole are idiots. I think the world would be a hell of a lot better if we just accepted that. But there are some people that are so far beyond the plain of stupidity you wish there was a twenty-two year late term abortion window(Chris Titus: Neverlution). Take for example my dear friend 'T'. He dated my friend 'M' twice. Well you know fool me once right. Okay that's fine. A year has passed since they broke up and I haven't had to scrape either of them out of the toilet since.  Now M is litterally days away from giving birth to a baby boy (It isn't T's). The father bailed second trimester. Which is understandable, it isn't right but it's understandable. A 17 year old guy doesn't want to be tied to a 14 year old girl and a baby all his life. So now T is trying to make up for it. He texts me "what if if M and I start dating again?".  So I replied " OMG REALLY IT ENDS BADLY EVERYTIME AND THEN BOTH OF YOU GET UPSET. SHE GETS DEPRESSED YOU WONDER WHY YOU STEPED INTO HER DRAMA! THE ONLY DIFFERENCE THIS TIME IS YOU KNOW THE DRAMA YOUR STEPPING INTO. I CANT TELL IF ITS STUPIDITY INSANITY OR BLIND FAITH! EINSTIEN WOULD CALL IT INSANITY!"(that was my exact message I copied it of my phone). I was a little harsh but I needed to snap scense into him! I repeatedly told him, he is to good for her. My friend 'K' agreed with me so I'm not a total prick, or atleast the not only one. He really didn't care what I said. His dumbass did it anyway. Dating an ex is like buying your shit back from Salvation Army. THERE IS A REASON YOU GOT RID OF IT!!  It wasn't even a little reason, first they cheated on each other, then she went fucking insane!! Now he is dating her again. SAY IT WITH ME PEOPLE " FUCKING DUMBASS". So the sooner we realize we are all stupid the sooner the people who are slightly less stupid can start helping the retards.

Last Words to a Family Member

Yesterday, I found out my uncle had passed. He was in his early twenties. He threw his life away via Heroin. So I have a message for him, He may not be able to read it but it could save a life or two.

Message to my Uncle Joesph.
You were the one in the family that was supposed to make something of your self. Now the only thing you have suceeded in making of yourself is a corpse. When a call to your family from the police is the last we hear of you there is a problem. Both your father and your brother were police officers, you knew better. Now your neice and nephew have to make something of ourselves so that we can make up for the years you robbed from yourself.  Brittany and I grew up with you. We loved you. Ian grew up wanting to be like you, well now I hope he doesn't. Even though you were joking at the time, I looked foward to you teaching me how to drive. Remember when were at a family reunion and Brittany fell down that hill with either you or Nick? I do. I remember trying hard in that Kareoke contest last year so I could impress you.  I remember the Zelda shirt you were wearing after we saw each other again for the first time in eight years. And I will probably remember what they put you in for your burial. Because you won't really be there to remember for your self. Thats how life is when all you make of yourself is a corpse.

Lets Recap =P

I HATE SUMMER SCHOOL! Okay so Im taking PE and they have us running 5 miles a day doing P90X and lifting weights all in a 3 hour time slot. It literally blows. As if that wasn't enough I get to help move my mother, grandparents and myself into my mother's boyfriends house. There are three good things about that, and as materialistic as they sound they make it better. 1) I get to decorate my room however I want. 2) They're getting me a dog. 3) I get a truck for my birthday. I TOLD YOU IT SOUNDED MATERIALISTIC! It also gets me out of my Dad's house, where I am being eaten alive by fleas. I love my Dad but the fleas are out of hand. So I have all that shit to think about.

Stupid

Okay so I was house sitting/ pet sitting this weekend. I did something stupid. Not stupid like your thinking no sex, drugs, or liquor. I do love to disappoint you my dear readers so I won't get into it. My stupidity left my heart racing and my mind on fire. I found my self breathless ,and my friends will tell you I am never breathless. I wasn't however speechless. I actually found my speech clear and concise. I never wavered I kept my cool until the end, at which point I called my dear friend who proceeded to 'improve' my feeling on the situation. I love her, but she isn't helpful. She insisted upon comparing my stupidity to hers (they are nothing alike... TRUST ME.) I am better now just thought I would give you a taste and then keep the bowl for my self. :P

Today

 Today I lay in wait. I woke up at dark thirty this morning for no damn reason so I waited until eleven. At which point I watched the legend of Korra because I am just that nerdy. Now I'm posting on my blog waiting for a text or a call or hell anything really. today I also realized that I must send out some crazy ass pheromone because I woke up with every animal in this house I'm staying at on or around my bed. So that was today,  so far.

Lazy Gull

 Steven. Steven! STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEN. Steven. (What?) Steven.(what) Steven!! (WHAT!) Eagel. - Ragenineteen's Lazy Gull Talks To His Friend (Youtube it)

Fading

 Breathe....
Each shallow breath I draw lets the salt water flood my lungs. I keep thrashing in the water trying to stay above, but I'm failing.  I'm too strong proud to let go. If I give up I'll become shark food. Wolves don't belong in water! I keep reminding my self of that. I don't belong here. I struggle again. Weight encircles my ankles, pulling me further under. I can feel the salt sucking away my life.
 Breathe....
The seaweed pulls my broken and forgotten dreams from my still struggling body. Why do the oceans shadows overpower mine?  The last few moments I was free from the bitter, icy grip were like syrup. No one thought that this could happen to us..... too me. They thought I was strong  going places. Now the only place I'm going is down.
 Breathe....
Writhing in pain. I can't see anything through my storm cloud eyes. Hypothermia starts setting in, soon I'll be gone. My pack abandoned all hope me. It was fine when I spoke of my dreams, but when I tried to achieve them, I started drowning. They left the beach. Their dreams continued on even as mine died before their eyes. I thought I was important to them. I thought they needed me......I thought.
 Cease to breathe....