No Vacancy

   Damn my mother and her natural compassion! To other people she is the worlds sweetest woman. To me she is a rude, crude, double standard holding, (for lack of a better word) bitch. She likes to take in strays. At the moment I am sleeping in her bed, if you can call laying there trying not to fall off sleeping. My mom's friend is sleeping on the couch, my Grandparents are in my bed, and my sister is on the futon. So sorry if you wanted to stay over, we are full! My bed is the moost comfortable bed in the house so you can see why I'm angry. I can't wake up with out worring that I am going to wake someone up. I can't play my xbox, or my music loud, because "They're inapropriate." or "My head hurts.". I just want to come home to peace and quiet. not some old fat couple sitting on my couch, or some pissy blonde on my case about everything. Things just need to go back to the way they were. AND MY SPELL CHECK ISN"T WORKING!!! :P

Adele, Silver Shoes, and a Burrito

  So as I'm sure most of you imaginary readers know it's lent. Well I assume you know, considering I made you up you should know. Screw it lets just say you do, and if you don't google it. My mother made me give up meat on Fridays. I HATE IT!! < (Just something to know for later). So we were in the car driving to Payless to buy me new shoes to match my dress for the military ball. I was saying something about "I don't need new shoes" and "I don't even know why I'm going, whatever". Finally, I decided I want a burrito. Then that was all I wanted, one of those delicious Beefy 5 layer burritos from Taco Bell. MMMMMMM. I couldn't have a burrito because its Friday. ALL I WANTED! Now for Adele. We were in the car and of course that's the CD there Adele's 21. Then my mothers friend starts flipping songs and sticks on "One and Only" we listened to that three times. My head was going to explode. I just wanted a burrito. My mom goes into the grocery store for food and I was stuck in the car. While my mom's friend was out smoking, I screamed out " That bitch won't let me have what I want. All I want is a mother fucking Burrito!!!". Now I'm at home *sigh* still no burrito.

Hang Me Out to Dry

   It's sad when the only thing you have to look forward to in your  own home is washing your face. My older sister and I never get along and we never have. I hate to say it, but the best thing that ever happened to me was her moving out. We would scream and get violent with each other daily. When she left it just felt right. Now she doesn't care. She comes over and pitches a fit over some new shit that honestly doesn't matter then she bitches about me. She complains about the two of us not spending time together so I cancel on my friends, then she calls me anti social. Then after attacking me, she leaves and doesn't talk to anyone for months. Upon her return she is loved and praised by the very family that causes me to feel like an outsider. She claims I never practice at the things I enjoy. What the hell, she's never around why does she think she has the right. My family praises her for being "cute, bubbly, sweet". I'm always being scolded for being "fat, loud, annoying". I just feel like a room mate in the house I'm told to call home. How can I call a house home if I don't feel like I belong. Do you think my writing is getting weaker?

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 I have an issue. I am a bit of a perfectionist. The only issue with that is that it tends to cause me to suffer from clutter blindness. My motto is "If you don't have time to do it right, then don't do it at all". Since I rarely have time to do things right things are always a mess. I never notice the mess until I trip over it in the middle of the night. Eventually, I get bored and realize the only time I have is now so I clean. Anyway, My messy home life isn't what I wanted to talk about. Today I was doing a monologue for my drama class and after I went my friend (you know my friends  remain anonymous) told me that I missed a line. I physically started to shut down. I hate missing out on key parts in assignment. But that line really bugged and if it obvious it still bugs me. My brain quit functioning I could think of anything. Nothing was sticking in my brain, I felt dead. I don't like that feeling. Every time that happens I start to fear the inevitable. I begin to fear death. What is the afterlife? Is there an afterlife? Hit me up down below let me know what you think.

The Highest Mountain in The Lowest Valley

The day after Valentines day I lost him. He left, and I felt surprisingly fine. If I was meant to be with him I would be. Some days I'm fine and others I feel like well it's hard to explain. So is the life of a manic depressive. I had someone if only for a little while, and I was for that stint of time happy. To have that chance to be happy is really all one could ask for, what we do with the time we have is all on us. Even if we talked more I still think it would have ended the same way. I cried my final tears on Valentines day. I am strong, I am Beautiful, and my pain just gives me one more reason to be all that I can be. Tomorrow I'll probably be bashing myself because I will be in the deepest hole of my existence then I'll see the light at the end of a tunnel and be happy again. Don Marquis once said "Happiness is the interval between periods of unhappiness" and every manic depressive knows this is fact.  Each day I'm on a roller coaster so I can't tell if it's just my mood of the day or the genuine feelings I have towards a situation. But My writing is like my life, sparse and scattered but always hits back to the point eventually. Today I'm fine, yesterday was hell. Where does tomorrow lead? I'll start taking bets. :)
 Comment Below. PRETTY PLEASE. If the physical appearance of the please doesn't appeal to you, do it because I said so. I look forward to hearing from you.

It's Complicated

We hear it all the time. This area isn't black or white it's gray, right? No. You either want to be with me or you don't, I can't take it's complicated. I'm just not strong enough to. Everyday I see that on my profile I will wonder "is this the day he is finally going to come to his senses and leave?". I have never been accused of a lapse in comunication before, if anything I talk too much. But today of all days I want to vomit. I think I'm nervous. I don't get nervous, I can't that would mean if he does leave I'll be hurt. My friend got so hurt when her girlfriend left her she did vomit. She cried and puked for hours, I can't do that. Losing him would hurt me so bad, but I'm not going to beg him to stay if he doesn't want to. How happy can we be if he's only in it because I forced him. He posted It's Complicated an hour ago and already his friends are treating me like the enemy, I don't want to be the enemy. I just want to be happy and for that I need him right now. Honestly, should have seen it coming right? I mean I have been a horrible person all my life so I don't deserve him.  Is that what the universe is trying to tell me. Is the universe saying "Hey Arika!! You are nothing but a little bitch, so I'm going to give you a super nice guy let you love him and then watch him dump your sorry ass,"? Now I'm just feeling sorry for myself, and I hate myself for it. This guy has changed my life and now he's making me hate it even more then I used to. I know there are always more guys out there, but there are none that are going to look at a fat, bitchy, stupid, whiny, ugly girl from California. I know what I am and who I'm going to be when I grow up. I'm going to be nothing, just like I am now. I sing, I act, I write, but it's not like I'm any good at any of them right? I mean if I could write more people if any would read this. If I could sing someone would have noticed. If I could act I would have gotten a part in the school play. I have to write here because, I'm reaching out and I can't cry in front of my friends (they would judge me). I can't even tell my mom because she will just make fun of me. Really, this just had to happen on Valentines day? Now I am in tears having myself a nice little pitty party. The sad thing is Facebook knew before I did. Now I just feel like crap and there is no one to hug me and tell me it's okay. So my valentines day consists of a bruise on my butt, a hole in my heart, and a sinus infection. Congradulations universe, you broke me!! You happy now?

Do It You Pansy Ass

 Don't just sit around saying "Ohh no one cares. I'm just going to kill myself," I mean seriously come on. I your telling people you're going to kill yourself you obviously aren't going to.  You are telling people so they'll tell you not to and give you reasons why you need to live. Your basically just doing it so it will feel like people care. Honestly, if you really think that you can't get out of what ever trouble you're in you are dead wrong. There is always away out of your mistakes. No I am not just making this stuff up, studies have shown that if you say your going to kill yourself you don't. It's normal to want to die, it isn't good but its normal. Now a kid will kill themselves at the drop of a hat. They hate me because I'm gay, dead. Oh I'm being bullied, dead. My crush called me ugly, dead. My best friend moved, dead. My parents are getting divorced, dead. This happens every day to people and they don't go around killing themselves. We are getting to torn up about these things now. Ask your parents if you're younger if they were this sensitive back then. If you're older, were you this sensitive about this crap. Yes teen suicide happens and it's a shame ,but honestly don't come bitching to me about how you want to end your life for some reason that I'm sure is very important to you but no one else really cares about. Why don't you try starting a conversation with "Hey can we talk? I have some stuff going on, and I think you would listen."  not "I'm going to kill myself because (insert stupid reason here)".  Now don't go thinking that I give a flying fart in space, because well I don't. So breathe and fucking reevaluate your life because bitch you don't got it that bad, I guarantee you this problem you have going on right now has an escape route (that isn't suicide) you just need to find it.  And if it is really that bad, call the local suicide hot line. To many kids nowadays die for stupid reasons.