The Highest Mountain in The Lowest Valley

The day after Valentines day I lost him. He left, and I felt surprisingly fine. If I was meant to be with him I would be. Some days I'm fine and others I feel like well it's hard to explain. So is the life of a manic depressive. I had someone if only for a little while, and I was for that stint of time happy. To have that chance to be happy is really all one could ask for, what we do with the time we have is all on us. Even if we talked more I still think it would have ended the same way. I cried my final tears on Valentines day. I am strong, I am Beautiful, and my pain just gives me one more reason to be all that I can be. Tomorrow I'll probably be bashing myself because I will be in the deepest hole of my existence then I'll see the light at the end of a tunnel and be happy again. Don Marquis once said "Happiness is the interval between periods of unhappiness" and every manic depressive knows this is fact.  Each day I'm on a roller coaster so I can't tell if it's just my mood of the day or the genuine feelings I have towards a situation. But My writing is like my life, sparse and scattered but always hits back to the point eventually. Today I'm fine, yesterday was hell. Where does tomorrow lead? I'll start taking bets. :)
 Comment Below. PRETTY PLEASE. If the physical appearance of the please doesn't appeal to you, do it because I said so. I look forward to hearing from you.

It's Complicated

We hear it all the time. This area isn't black or white it's gray, right? No. You either want to be with me or you don't, I can't take it's complicated. I'm just not strong enough to. Everyday I see that on my profile I will wonder "is this the day he is finally going to come to his senses and leave?". I have never been accused of a lapse in comunication before, if anything I talk too much. But today of all days I want to vomit. I think I'm nervous. I don't get nervous, I can't that would mean if he does leave I'll be hurt. My friend got so hurt when her girlfriend left her she did vomit. She cried and puked for hours, I can't do that. Losing him would hurt me so bad, but I'm not going to beg him to stay if he doesn't want to. How happy can we be if he's only in it because I forced him. He posted It's Complicated an hour ago and already his friends are treating me like the enemy, I don't want to be the enemy. I just want to be happy and for that I need him right now. Honestly, should have seen it coming right? I mean I have been a horrible person all my life so I don't deserve him.  Is that what the universe is trying to tell me. Is the universe saying "Hey Arika!! You are nothing but a little bitch, so I'm going to give you a super nice guy let you love him and then watch him dump your sorry ass,"? Now I'm just feeling sorry for myself, and I hate myself for it. This guy has changed my life and now he's making me hate it even more then I used to. I know there are always more guys out there, but there are none that are going to look at a fat, bitchy, stupid, whiny, ugly girl from California. I know what I am and who I'm going to be when I grow up. I'm going to be nothing, just like I am now. I sing, I act, I write, but it's not like I'm any good at any of them right? I mean if I could write more people if any would read this. If I could sing someone would have noticed. If I could act I would have gotten a part in the school play. I have to write here because, I'm reaching out and I can't cry in front of my friends (they would judge me). I can't even tell my mom because she will just make fun of me. Really, this just had to happen on Valentines day? Now I am in tears having myself a nice little pitty party. The sad thing is Facebook knew before I did. Now I just feel like crap and there is no one to hug me and tell me it's okay. So my valentines day consists of a bruise on my butt, a hole in my heart, and a sinus infection. Congradulations universe, you broke me!! You happy now?

Do It You Pansy Ass

 Don't just sit around saying "Ohh no one cares. I'm just going to kill myself," I mean seriously come on. I your telling people you're going to kill yourself you obviously aren't going to.  You are telling people so they'll tell you not to and give you reasons why you need to live. Your basically just doing it so it will feel like people care. Honestly, if you really think that you can't get out of what ever trouble you're in you are dead wrong. There is always away out of your mistakes. No I am not just making this stuff up, studies have shown that if you say your going to kill yourself you don't. It's normal to want to die, it isn't good but its normal. Now a kid will kill themselves at the drop of a hat. They hate me because I'm gay, dead. Oh I'm being bullied, dead. My crush called me ugly, dead. My best friend moved, dead. My parents are getting divorced, dead. This happens every day to people and they don't go around killing themselves. We are getting to torn up about these things now. Ask your parents if you're younger if they were this sensitive back then. If you're older, were you this sensitive about this crap. Yes teen suicide happens and it's a shame ,but honestly don't come bitching to me about how you want to end your life for some reason that I'm sure is very important to you but no one else really cares about. Why don't you try starting a conversation with "Hey can we talk? I have some stuff going on, and I think you would listen."  not "I'm going to kill myself because (insert stupid reason here)".  Now don't go thinking that I give a flying fart in space, because well I don't. So breathe and fucking reevaluate your life because bitch you don't got it that bad, I guarantee you this problem you have going on right now has an escape route (that isn't suicide) you just need to find it.  And if it is really that bad, call the local suicide hot line. To many kids nowadays die for stupid reasons.

The Fine Line Between the Good, the Evil, and the Murder of a Lonely Girl's Spirit

  I'm being uprooted again. People move all the time, right? I mean, I have a friend whose moved five times in the past year. I have only ever moved once, and that was out of the house I had lived in for twelve years. That house was everything to me. My sister had carved our names into the ceiling of our old bedroom, I grew up there, it was the only home I knew, the only LIFE I knew. I was twelve and my parents were getting divorced, I didn't know that meant we would end up moving too. So we left the house for a little apartment not so far from there so I could still go to the same school. Now, three years later we are facing eviction at the clutches of the vicious, under qualified antagonist. Here is the story. A few weeks ago her lackey gives us eviction papers, but here's the hitch, they weren't filed yet so there was no case number. Our antagonist had also WHITED OUT the part were our pet deposit was on our lease. Upon comparison with the original of the document we found many other things wrong with it. So my mother pulled out the receipts and various other documents we would need to handle this so that we could set the record straight. While we believed we had won the papers were being filed any way. So tonight my mother gets a call from a very guilty Lackey. His guilt had rendered him unable to sleep, therefore he had to inform us that if my mother didn't go down to the courthouse and take care of this immediately it was going to default into eviction. Not only are documents being voided and lines being crossed, but our antagonist is apparently losing her position. That could mean the end of it or the beginning of a whole new life for me.... again.

Pack Mentality

 Wolves are my favorite animal. At first I thought it was because they were hunters, fierce. Now I think I'm just envious. Wolves have a purpose and don't lie to them selves about how they feel. Every wolf has a purpose in its pack, and knows just where it fits in to place. Every wolf hunts and kills out of necessity. Never will one claim to be a vegetarian nor will one be courteous if you overstepped your boundaries. They are open about loving meat and don't care if you call them rude. We write it off because they're animals and we aren't. But, we are. Deep down we all want the same things; to survive, to be accepted, to have a family we can tolerate, to be in charge. Humans don't acknowledge ourselves for what we are, animals and the worst kind too. We don't care if people get hurt in what we do if it gets us ahead, but the wild life takes only what it needs from its fellows. Am I alone here in saying that we just might be the animals that we so desperately demote in our minds as primitive?